Redemption

Dear Universe,

You’re the real MVP (points at Universe, pounds chest with fist).

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The power of thought is incredible. You CAN get what you want if you want it sincerely enough and are prepared to take the necessary actions to attain it. Constantly thinking about something doesn’t guarantee it will manifest. However, if you are diligent AND put thought to action, incredible things can happen. I’m not talking about getting a promotion or finishing school, no silly rabbit, I’m talking about bomb ass sex! Dick too bomb, if you will.

My 2016 resolution was simple; to have quality sex on a consistent basis. You can judge, you can call me basic, idc idc idc. I started out 2015 living as a married woman. Our issues killed my sex drive and I spent the majority of the year abstaining. It was only when we separated in August that I began seeking out partners old and new to get me back in the swing of things. The highlight was a coworker at the end of November. It was a textbook Netflix & Chill scenario, but I was caught off guard by the intensity of our sexual chemistry. I immediately tried to arrange for a repeat but suffered innumerable slights and general disinterest on his part. I was persistent and desperate and in retrospect I can see how that would be a turn off.

2015 ended and I was still in my feelings about his rejections so our workplace interactions ranged from tepid to amicable, it just depended on the day. Eventually I moved on and left the romp in the past, with no hope for an encore. That didn’t stop me from thinking about him, especially at work, and wishing I could get one more session.

A few nights ago as I laid in bed, I repeated the same thought over and over concerning him, wanting him to want me again, to contact me or say something at work. Nothing actualized. Then there was a happening at work and suddenly he was no longer my coworker. I missed being able to see him and act like I couldn’t be bothered. I missed catching whiffs of his cologne and stealing glances at him throughout the day. Finally I texted him, deftly afraid of another crushing rejection.

The opposite happened.

I’d like to thank the Universe for the assist. This redemption is particularly sweet. I am filled with gratitude. Ashe.

Say Hello to the Bad Gal

I decided earlier this evening to cut ties with my current love interest. Meaning I casually ended things as I’m prone to do. Hear me out.

We met unexpectedly 11 days into the new year. He was refined, carefree, modern, conscious, and handsome: a unicorn really. Our first meet up was at 2am at the “nice” Walmart because irony. Whimsy is quite the aphrodisiac and we were exploring our mutual physical attraction in short order.

Our chemistry was singular, it was instantaneous, intense, consuming, and ever so disarming. Sexual intrigue is clever in this way, it disguises itself as potential, as faux intimacy, as a soul connection. I was smitten.

Now here’s where the muck and mire that is my twisted Aquarian logic comes into play. Ever the control freak, I decided to announce that no, I did not want to be “anyone’s anything” this year and only required consistent, quality sex (as per my sole New Year’s resolution), and proposed we have sex regularly and exclusively. Not surprisingly, he agreed to this arrangement, with the implied caveat that if the initial sex was underwhelming, the deal was off. Well after a week of intense courting, we had what can only be summarized as highly unsatisfactory sex. It was imo, all downhill from there because unfortunately, we both were really into one another, yet I had already constructed these ridiculous emotional boundaries from which I was operating from.

[How do you clean up the emotional shrapnel of a previous dalliance (the details of which are for another post, at a later date) without causing collateral damage? The answer is you should remain self contained until you feel ready to safely engage with new suitors. Did I do that? But of course not.]

So he was always staying over and I took issue with his intense snoring. One night he left my place in a huff after one too many soft elbows and rough shakes and immediately the energy between us soured irrevocably. After a fairly unproductive talk where I queried “what do you want from me?” and he replied “I haven’t decided yet” I knew what had to be done.

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I don’t mind being the bad gal. Let me be the emotionally defunct girl who may or may not end up alone. I will carry that weight because I’d much rather be alone than to continue what was clearly a prelude to an eventual shitshow anyway. I put those stupid rules out there, the sex was sub-par (you had one job), plus clearly I am not ready for anything that remotely reminds me of real intimacy. If you’re snoring in MY bed, and I’m up for two hours unable to sleep, that’s unacceptable bro. Call me Petty LaBelle, idc idc idc.

This year cannot and will not be as emotionally draining as last year because the pure unadulterated, unending relationship drama was epic and never again “no fank you.” I am though, slightly concerned that instead of focusing my energies on accomplishing so many critical goals (graduate, secure a better job, flourish) I may just flitter from situationship to situationship because old habits die hard and Aquarians are nothing if not stubborn.

Stay tuned.